Senate Armed Services Committee Challenges Coast Guard's Use of Motorboating as Interrogation Technique

WASHINGTON-According to White House sources, the Senate Armed Services Committee has opened an investi­gation to question whether the Coast Guard's recent use of motorboating as a method of interrogation should be classified as torture.

The highly provocative technique, which was approved along with a host of alternative procedures recently by the Trump Administration , involves the place­ment of one's mouth into the area between a well-endowed woman's breasts. This is then followed by a rapid shaking of the face in a side-to-side motion and accompanied by a loud whirring sound.

"Now while I certainly have enjoyed a few rumbles in the past," Armed Services Committee Member Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) told reporters at a press con­ference, "I'm well aware that motor­boating does not bring any pleasure to a woman, and, in fact, is quite humiliating."

Top Coast Guard officials are insist­ing the methods continue to help pro­tect the nation in uncharted waters.

"Just last month we were in Key West when we spotted a group of biki­ni-clad, co-ed cuties," said Admiral Karl L. Schultz, Commandant of the Coast Guard. "We didn't know who these girls were. They could've been tied to a Mexican drug cartel, or inadvertently carrying swine flu, or al Qaeda suicide jet skiers for all we knew."

"Now in this case, all we learned from our methods was that these buxom brunettes were on Spring Break and had just locked lips for the first time," Pearson added. "Some underage drinking was also observed."

Sen. Warren said that the committee has already begun its investiga­tion.

"While we don't yet have all the facts, these incidents as reported are very troubling," Warren said in a state­ment. "I cannot fathom for the life of me the threat that these young women pose to our national security. And I'm particularly interested to find out why these interrogations are being videotaped at 3:00 AM outside nightclubs in Miami, South Padre Island, Cancun, and other sunny des­tinations."

Coast Guard officials maintain it's imperative that motorboating continue until at least the last week of March 2019, when a potentially armed and dangerous gaggle of gorgeous girls were expected to expose their shaved genitals to beachgoers just north of San Diego.