Lane Bryant Scientists One Preservative Away From Edible Shoulder Pads

NEW YORK - In a move expected to revolutionize the snacking habits of plus-size businesswomen everywhere, scientists for retail chain Lane Bryant announced Friday that they are one preservative away from releasing the edible shoulder pad.

Sources close to the clothing store's laborato­ries, best known to date as the birthplace of the WiFi Girdle and the Corset Hula Hoop, said that the meat and cheese-filled pockets could be inserted into size 14-32 pantsuits, dresses and blouses as early as Spring 2010.

"Gone are the days of smuggling embarrassingly large takeout containers into staff meetings," said Lane Bryant CEO James Fogarty. "Our customers are under enough pres­sure as it is - trying to get ahead in their careers, bal­ancing marriage and fami­ly, the looming threats of heart disease and type two diabetes. Why should they have to worry about carting several lunches to work, too?" The product available in Pepperoni Pizza, Chicken & Broccoli Cheddar, and Philly Cheesesteak varieties - utilizes revolutionary microwave technology to convert the body's natural energy into heat in order to cook the filling. An insulato­ry sleeve captures the radia­tion, limiting it to the shoul­der region, and cooks a deli­cious, hearty turnover.

Where scientists have struggled, however, is in finding the proper preserva­tive that will combat the excessive perspiration found in much, if not all of Lane Bryant's clientele.

"Our early trials taught us that while aluminum chloro­hydrate keeps the epidermis relatively dry, it causes acne and aggravates sensitive skin," cautioned lead engi­neer and head chef Marcel Strauss. ''The newest gener­ation ingredient, Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex Glycine, is much better toler­ated but has an unfortunate aftertaste."

The company states on its website that while the revo­lutionary product is "nearly ready," it refuses to put an inferior edible shoulder pad in the stores' newly-installed freezer cases.

"We had debated giving our customers the benefit of the doubt and ignoring the anti-perspirant issue altogether," said Strauss. "However, when we were testing some breakfast recipes [to be released at a later date], we found sever­al instances in which the Hollandaise sauce was overheating and leaking out of the Eggs Benedict pads and onto the appar­el."

"Boy did we have egg on our faces," he added. "And in our laps, down our backs, on our legs. It was everywhere, really."

According to sources, Lane Bryant has been looking to market the pads since the late 1980s, when the chain sought to take advan­tage of the fashion craze in the form of a cross-promo­tion with the sitcom Designing Women. The plans stalled, however, when co-star Meshach Taylor insisted that he pad his genitals with a cannoli.

The product was then rushed back into develop­ment following the success of the 1989 film Working Girl.

"Although Melanie Griffith did a terrific job champi­oning the rise of the American woman in busi­ness, it still wasn't the right marketplace for it then either," recalled Strauss, who was a lab intern/food runner at the time. "The pepperoni was too tough, the cheese didn't taste right, and only Joan Cusack showed any interest. And she's a size 10 on a heavy day."

With no other product like it on the market, Fogarty and the board of directors are confident that the timing is perfect, and the pads will finally take the plus-sized clothing world by storm.

"When you want a hot meal without a big deal, what are you going to pick?" he asked. "Lane Bryant."