Once-Popular Cash-For-Clunkers Program Relaunched for Nation's Wives, Girlfriends

WASHINGTON - In an effort to provide relief to millions of men stuck in loveless, lackluster relationships, the Senate voted Monday to relaunch the defunct Cash-For-Clunkers federal scrappage program for the nation's fleet of deteriorat­ing wives and girlfriends.

The short-lived 2009 initiative cost $3 billion and sought to incentivize Americans to purchase more modern, fuel-efficient vehicles when trading in an older model.

The new bill, expected to be signed into law by President Trump later this week, pays long-suffering husbands and boyfriends up to $4500 in rebates for trading in their older, broke-down models for newer, more efficient ones.

"When I picked this model up back in 1975, it seemed like she'd never break down," said insurance agent Norm Jablonsky of Grand Rapids, Ml, who's been looking to upgrade his 47 year-old who's had a hysterectomy. "This legislation is exactly the incen­tive I need to pick up that 28 year-old with no gag reflex I've had my eye on."

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell touted the program's far-reaching benefits at a press conference yester­day.

"This is a major boon to the morale of the American male," McConnell told reporters. "If we can provide relief to even one husband who just wants to watch football on Sunday instead of traipsing all over Pier One looking for wrought-iron candle sconces, then we've made a difference."

In a rare example of bipartisanship, Minority Leader Chuck Schumer praised the efforts of the legislation.

This relaunch of Cash for Clunkers pulls older, banged-up wives and girl­friends that could be hazardous to one's health, not to.mention every­one's eyesight, off the road for good , " Schumer said in a statement.

These gas guzzlers are eating up precious health care dollars with their annual mammograms, expensive surgeries, and other procedures that frankly aren’t worth the parts or the cost.”

Secretary of Labor Alexander Acosta expressed similar confidence in the program Monday, explaining that while it was an extremely ambitious plan to redistribute the workforce, it could really pay off.

"Scrap yards and recyclers are chomping at the bit to get their hands on these clunkers, strip them of their parts and valuables, and melt them down," said Solis. "And with all of these older models going off the mar­ket, it's really going to open up a flood of secretarial and waitress positions."

Barring any major catastrophes, the program will start November 1 .

Will your wife qualify as a clunker?

How the program works:

* Operational wives & girlfriends from 1965 or older that are severely dent­ed, damaged or banged-up are eligi­ble.

* Owners could get a $3500 voucher if they trade for a new model with no visible tattoos or piercings and a basic command of the English language, or $4500 for a model with a high schoo education or GED equivalent and an eating disorder.

What to look out for:

A wife or girlfriend may not meet the age or physical requirements, but cer­tain exceptions can and should be made. Make sure your local dealer­ship is aware of the following.

If its vagina is worn. It's a good idea to check the vagina once a month for visible damage and excess wear. Narrow bands may appear in the grooves across the vaginal walls. When the wear bars are even with the tread depth, there's no traction left.

* If it's failed emissions standards. Wives and girlfriends should be test­ed to make sure they're in compliance with state and local regulations. The latest method of testing takes into account three pollutants: excessive gas, designer impostor perfumes, and stinky privates.

If it makes unidentifiable, loud noises. If you're hearing an unusual­ly high number of sounds when oper­ating your older model, it could mean more than a few belts and hoses need tightening. These noises can also take the form of a nagging, con­descending tone that second-guess­es everything you say or do.

Where to trade in:

* Dealerships are sprouting up all over the nation at parks, recreation centers and participating Talbots.

* Be sure to bring your driver's license, registration and proof of insurance along with your clunker.

* Don't forget to remove all valuables and personal artifacts before making the trade as they cannot be claimed afterwards.